Thursday, June 10, 2010

A Note of Thanks To My Ex

Dear LB,

I saw you in the park today.  You did not see me.  It has been almost twenty years since I saw you last.   You still look good.  A little older, a little heavier, a few gray hairs.  But still you.  I always wondered what I would say to you if  I ever saw you again.  The scenario has played out in my head throughout the years and has changed many times. 

Years ago when the pain was still fresh I pictured myself crying and begging you for answers about why you cheated.  Why you destroyed the beautiful relationship we once shared.  I just couldn't comprehend why you asked me to be your wife, only to turn around and cheat on me a few months later.  Had your cheating been going on for a while?  If so, why did you ask me to be your wife at all?

I slipped into a deep depression after your infidelity.  In the mornings, before the sun even finished rising, before I even opened my eyes to the brand new day, the depression would wash over me.  It stayed for many years.  I eventually started dating again.  Half ass attempts on my part.  I just didn't want to be alone.  I was lucky enough to meet some wonderful men who treated me right and took my mind off of being depressed for awhile.  There was the dental student with a penchant for frog legs. Yuk!), the teacher/aspiring novelist (he was quite a good writer and I'm sure I'll see one of his novels on the best seller list one day), and then there was the clown.  Yes, I said clown.  There I was stuck in a deep depression and I was dating a professional clown!  I actually felt sorry for the guy because I think I had him second guessing his career choice.  No matter how hard the poor bastard tried he just could not get me to be happy.   So, after a few weeks or months I would end each relationship. I wasn't ready to give my heart to anyone but you.

The next scenario that often played out in my mind involved you suddenly having an epiphany that you could not live without me. Realizing what a terrible mistake you made you rushed to my apartment, pleading with me to take you back.  That scenario played in my head for quite some time. 

The one scenario that NEVER entered my mind was the one that actually happened.  I saw you in the park today...and let you go.  

Yes, your actions all those years ago plunged me into a depression I care never to relive again but, I have grown from the experience.  I believe that God must have thrown a wrench into our wedding plans because he knew that you were not the right man for me.  I can see that now because I was fortunate enough to find and marry my soul mate.  So, to you I say thank you.  If you hadn't hurt me, I never would have found my true love.  The man I look forward to spending the rest of my life with.  He makes me laugh, is a wonderful father to our beautiful kids and is a genuinely good soul.

I wish the same for you.  I hope you have found your soul mate.  I hope you are happy.

I saw you in the park today....and let you go.

20 comments:

Writing Womb said...

WOw, that was really really beautiful writing! it touched me deeply! I think we all play that scenario out in our heads that they will come rushing back into our lives and tell us how we were the only ones and what a fool they were...but even when that happens, it never really heals the past, you can never go back and change it! i am glad you found peace in your heart and closed that chapter, now you will have more room for other great stuff to enter your life! also, the irony of dating a clown while you are depressed and then making him depressed cause he can't make you laugh....made me laugh out loud! that's brilliant! have a great day and thanks for sharing this beautiful piece.

Jennifer @ The Toy Box Years said...

I applaud you for opening up and sharing such raw emotion. This was my first visit to your blog and I can say that I will be back to read more! (Love the pictures of the kitten - did you find a home for it?)

Visiting you from the Over 40 Blog Hop! Have a great weekend!

Brooklyn Book Lover said...

Writing Womb - I have to say that I laughed at the clown situation as I was writing it. Although I couldn't appreciate the humor in the situation as I was going through it, today I am able to laugh about it. :-)

Brooklyn Book Lover said...

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks for visiting my blog. I look forward to you stopping by again.
The kitten is getting tons of love at a foster home at the moment. He will stay there until he is adopted. If he is NOT adopted his foster mom will keep him. :-)

Blackberry Cottage said...

Oh my gosh - how many of us have had a similar experience? Thank you for sharing this.

I'm stopping by from Friday Follow OVER 40 - so glad I found you. I'll now be following you - what a great post.
Susan

Haupi said...

Yikes! I was just looking for some new followers and came across this. It stopped me cold in my tracks - which is what I want a book to do to me and you should write a book about this. What poignantly wonderful read this was. Thank you.

I'm here from the over 40 blog hop and your newest follower. Hope you'll return the follow and believe me when I say I'm am truly glad I found your blog.

Haupi
http://hauplight.blogspot.com/

Brooklyn Book Lover said...

Blackberry Cottage - Thank you for visiting my blog and becoming a follower. Now I'm off to visit you for a spell. :-)

Brooklyn Book Lover said...

Haupi - Thanks for becoming a follower. I just visited your blog and became a follower! :-)
I love your idea about the homemade pet treats.

rose said...

great story. we never know how one big hurt can eventually be less hurtful and we go on in our lives. good for you. saw your blog on Friday Follow 40 and over. have a good weekend. rose

cjschlottman said...

Thanks for this beautiful piece of writing. It touched me at my core. My first husband was a cheater and emotionally unavailable. I left after five years because I new I had already outgrown him and that he would never outgrow the cheating. Like you, I would never have never found the love of my life if not for The Cheater. You write beautifully, and I am so glad we found one another's blogs. I left you a comment on The Red Sweater.

Jessi Haish said...

Oh my gosh. That was beautiful and definitely brought tears to my eyes. EXCELLENT writing. I loved every second of it. I felt everything you must have felt. I'd love to read more of these kinds of letters! Have a great day!

Brooklyn Book Lover said...

Hi Rose,

Thank you so much for visiting and leaving a comment. Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Brooklyn Book Lover said...

Thanks Jessie, I love your writing also. Your blog is wonderful.

Brooklyn Book Lover said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Java said...

Hi!!!

Thanks for stopping by my blog and visiting the Follow Friday 40 and Over Blog Hop!

I am now following you. And what a great blog you have!! I'm really looking forward to our friendship!!

I would also like to invite you to join the Over 40 Bloggers Club!! Take a look and join in the fun!

This post captured me in so much that I just spent the last 1/2 hr reading ALL of your posts. For some reason I feel a connection to you and if you'd like to email me you can at nevergrowingold@hotmail.com.

Have a wonderful night!

-Java

Brooklyn Book Lover said...

Hi Rose,

I tried to post this on your blog page but it would not go through. So, I will say it here. :-)

I just love your baby Megan. I will visit your blog again to meet Micki. :-)

I have a blogger friend who lives in GA and works in hospice. You should stop by her blog to say hi. Her blog is theredsweater.blogspot.com

Brooklyn Book Lover said...

Hi Java,
Thanks for becoming a follower of my blog and inviting me to join the Over 40 Bloggers. I grabbed the button and will display it proudly. :-)

Java said...

Hi!!

I added your blog to the Over 40 Bloggers List!!

Thanks for joining the party and I'm looking forward to our new friendship!

Hope you get lots of followers from it!

Be sure to come over on Friday for our Follow Friday 40 and Over Blog Hop!

Cheri-Beri said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog on GNO. And no, I didn't scream or cry when I saw my son. I wanted to, though!!

Good for you for letting go. I've had to let go of a lot in my life and it certainly is easier in the long run :-)

JulieChats said...

Nice to meet you! I love your post, it is so interesting how time changes our opinions of people and the choices they make and how we respond to them.

I'm stopping by late from VGNO! Have a great week!